The Hangout House

We all know there is always that ONE house that teens tend to hang out at. MINE is one of those homes. We live close to the high school and are blessed to have a huge basement. So there are 4-8 teen boys and girls at my house more often than I sometimes I care to have.

Growing up in a traditional family, my parents were strict and would not allow me to invite my friends, especially boys into our house. I had resolved that I would give my children that privilege.  I cook for these kids often. When they are eating, I sit and chat with them learning so much about how they interact, communicate and think. Most that come over are boys and overall they are really good kids. 

But being a host, constrains my life and is huge responsibility.  I don’t leave the house if the kids are home.  Everyone is required to pick up and clean up the mess when they leave, but they don’t always remember when they are leaving at 11 or 12 at night!  I’ve had toilets overflow several times despite telling them they don’t need a whole roll of toiletpaper to clean their behinds!  On one occasion, they all played video games while I swapped up the mess.  When I asked the boy who was responsible to just hold the garbage bag open so I could put all the wet paper towels in, he straight out refused! Thankfully it was only toilet water.

Once, a boy twisted his ankle in the basement.  Yes, in the basement! When the mother came to pick up her child, there was no thanks. Instead her look could kill, as if somehow there was some negligence on my part. During another party, while running around in the backyard, a girl fell on our all masonry patio and badly scraped her knees and elbows.   Another time, a girl accidentally threw out her retainer, which was balled up in a napkin and told my son that it was his responsibility to take find it because it was his house.  I let her know it wasn’t! Among other interesting incidences, once while cleaning the basement, my husband found a vaping pipe under the furniture.  A few of the kids identified who the culprit was, and he is no longer allowed in the house. 

As a parent, you tolerate certain impositions on your life for the sake of the  children.  But now I’m at a point where I am burnt out and a bit angry.  Many of the kids show NO appreciation and can be rude at times.  If I have to put them in their place, for say, flicking cards against the wall and creating little grooves, I am considered “mean.”  And for those who think flicking cards like a Chinese star against the wall can’t ruin your wall, I’ll send them to your house and they can demonstrate.

Out of his many friends, my teen son has been invited to only 2 of the homes.  Kids don’t need a BIG house for children to be happy in. There are those that NEVER reciprocate, or so much as buy my son a soda or slice of pizza for the constant hospitality.  AM I calling parents out?!  You bet I am!! I provide snacks and drinks but I stopped feeding kids every time they came over. I have boys that come over 9 at night and say they haven’t eaten so of course I feed them. What were the parents doing? I used to give rides here and there and beyond to many kids. Then I put a stop to it all.  One child told me his parents both work so they don’t have time.  Say what?  Uber app is very easy to download folks if you can’t help with pick up and drop offs.  

I love my boys and would do anything for them.  What I wouldn’t do is burden one family. There are ways that parents can reciprocate and show that the efforts of the host family are appreciated.  I love the parents that recognize that it takes a village of moms and dads to entertain, educate and be there for OUR KIDS.  If you find that that there is that ONE hangout house, offer to send goodies. Take turns ordering pizza/food for the kids while they play at that one house. Another option is to offer to treat the host child to an amusement park, movie or dinner.  Take turn doing drop off and pick up.  There are ways that you can reciprocate.  Finally, teach the kids that when they go over to someone else’s house, they have to respect the rules and members of that house.  Say “please” and “thank you.”  Address the mom as Mrs. _____  and not “excuse me.”  Kids are not always sure how to address other moms and dads.  I’m still old fashioned and prefer Mrs. Bhatia.  

The "American Quilt"

The “American Quilt”

I recently started a petition to have the Hindu holiday of Diwali recognized by our local school district as a holiday so families can celebrate for one day without worrying about homework and going to bed early.   For me personally, it’s not about getting time off from school. It’s much more about being accepted as part of the American multicultural fabric.

We need to remember that the Pilgrims, the first group of people who landed on this soil, came here to escape the Church of England and practice their own religious ideology and to carve out a good life for themselves, away from the tyranny of the king.  This is the cornerstone of the building of America, religious freedom and economic opportunities.

Most of the early settlers were of European descent. Many came due to famine or unrest in their countries, often coming as indentured servants to the wealthy already settled here.  These were some of the first of millions of the “poor…huddled masses yearning to breathe,” that Lady Liberty later beckoned to.

Later in history, the first Asians arrived during the Industrial Revolution hoping to capture a share of the gold rush but ended up working on America’s railway systems. America became home to people from Asia, Europe and Africa. Immigrants from all over the world have since come and carved out a spot to call their own. Each group of people who migrated brought with them their own cultural identity, food, language and religious beliefs.  Today, America is not a melting pot but more likely a salad, with each ingredient in the salad adding to the color, flavor and texture to an otherwise boring bowl of greens.

So why celebrate Diwali now?  The prevailing religion within the US for centuries has been Christianity/Catholicism and as such, Christmas and Easter have always been seen as part of the American religious-cultural experience.  In some parts of the country, where the Jewish faith is a strong presence, many of the Jewish holidays are recognized by various school districts. In recent years, some cities have started honoring the Chinese New Year and the Islamic Eid.  And rightfully so because America is no longer a country just of European Christians and Catholics.  The fabric of America has transformed from the time of the first Europeans making home here, centuries ago.

America is not a homogenous land of one culture, color, race or religion.  I like to say, we are part of the “American Quilt.”  We all symbolize a piece of the quilt with our varied experiences and beliefs.  However, we are all part of the bigger, collective fabric, rich in color and stories.  Each patch of a quilt has a place and purpose within the whole. Each patch has a story and history behind it.  And the great thing about a quilt is that we can keep adding to it… but taking away a patch only destroys its beauty, value and integrity. 

So what does this have to do with celebrating and recognizing Diwali as a holiday?  Lady Liberty didn’t beckon just white Europeans. Anyone who has read the poem by Emma Lazarus would know that there is another important line, “From her beacon-hand glows world-wide welcome.” 

The people of Indian decent, most of whom are Hindus by religion, make up many significant and powerful pieces of the American Quilt.  It is not so much recognizing Diwali, per se, but acknowledging that the people of Asian descent are American too. We are all Americans, and like the Europeans who first came and brought their culture with them, we also have  something to contribute to America. We have celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas, and now we should all revel in celebrating Rosh Hashanah, Eid, Lunar New Year and, of course, Diwali. This is what America is, a land of many different cultures and  religions coming together.

Some may argue that there are limited days in the calendar, and where do we stop.  My response to that would be that numbers have power.  If a certain people make up a larger, more significant group in any city, and they voice themselves, we have to find a way to let them be heard. They are just adding another beautiful patch to the changing face of the “American Quilt.”

BABY BLUES....

BABY BLUES....

In India, after a woman has a baby, she has the help of many people and is surrounded by family...for better or worse.

In the U.S., many women become isolated and alone in their new journey of motherhood. For many new, young moms this is a stressful, overwhelming period. The uncertainties of new motherhood, the changes in our bodies, sleepless nights, and hormonal changes result in Postpartum Depression for millions of women.

I was was one of those women. I had moved from my home town of Chicago to Denver. I knew many people but none that I could really confide in or call at 2 in the morning. My husband traveled for work Monday through Friday so basically I was a "single mom." My son was born prematurely at 32 weeks and had many issues including gerd, asthma, low weight etc. Doctors had advised that I feed him a little bit every 2 hours. I recall nights doing a 12am feed and then cleaning up throw up from the bed. Then getting up at 2 and doing the same. By the next feeding if he threw up, I would just throw a towel on it and go back to sleep. I was exhausted and no husband or family to let me sleep. I tried hard to enjoy my baby but each day was a struggle. My husband was supportive when he was in town but he had to work. He tried to understand but I know he really couldn't. Postpartum hit me hard!!

Unfortunately, because of stigma associated with depression, I had to keep it a secret from society. The secrecy in itself was another stressor. Looking back on that time, I really don't know how I survived!

Millions of women suffer from PPD. It is not exclusive to American women. In places like India, women are surrounded by family so they dont really succumb to the depression. They may feel out of sorts and "down" but because they are interacting with people constantly, they don't get to the level of depression that many isolated women feel.

We can't be judgemental about postpartum depression. A woman can't just "snap out of it." The hormonal changes and imbalances need time to settle. The "fog" and "dark cloud" takes time to pass. And it does pass.

Men try to be understanding about PPD.  But they understand it about as much as they understand labor pain!!  I believe only other women can understand and be there for each other. How can others help?  Maybe it's an offer to watch the child while the mom sleeps for a couple of hours.  A phone call or visit, an invite for lunch, shoulder to cry on, can bring up someone's spirits.  Best of all, sharing our collective experiences does wonders for a woman who is feeling alone and embarrassed about her situation.  It lets them know that this phase in her life is temporary.  You've been there and she too will get through it.

Raksha Bandhan .....New Traditions

Rakhsha Bandhan…..New Traditions

Yesterday,  Hindus all over the world celebrated the holiday called Rakhsha Bandhan.   Sisters everywhere tied the ceremonial rakhi (a small bracelet made of threads and  adorned with beads)  on their brother's wrists, did puja,  and prayed to God to give their brothers a long, healthy, prosperous life.   The sisters, in return, received a token gift or money, and a vow from the brother that they would always be there to protect and take care of them. 

Many believe that the Raksha Bandhan holiday tradition originated from the great Hindu epic scriptures called the Mahabharta.  In one story,  Princess Draupadi is said to have torn a piece of her own sari to bandage the bleeding wrist of Lord Krishna.  Krishna is so touched by this gesture that he proclaims her as his sister and promises to always protect Draupadi.  Later when Draupadi is being insulted in front of a court of men,  Krishna comes to her aid.  When one of  the men try to disrobe her by forcefully pulling off her sari at one end,  Krishna divinely replenishes her sari so she does not lose her dignity or honor  in this room full of men. 

Raksha Bandhan, in Sanskrit,  literally means “bond or tie of protection”.  Tying a rakhi symbolizes solidification of a bond of love and protection between a brother and sister.  Many people will have  “rakhi brother” or “rakhi sister”,  a cousin, neighbor or relative that takes on the platonic relationship of a surrogate sibling.   

Whether it be Christmas,  Thanksgiving,  Diwali or Raksha Bandhan,  holiday traditions have to have meaning for them to be carried on.  Sometimes they need to be tweeked or modified.  If we look at Christmas and Thanksgiving,  the traditional ways in which these holidays have been celebrated over hundreds of years have evolved and changed.  In bygones days, the turkey wasn’t a symbol of Thanksgiving.  And Macy’s Day Parade certainly didn’t exist.  Christmas didn’t entail having a perfectly lit tree decorated with glass ornaments and presents piled high next to it, around it and under it!!   As the world changed, people changed and so did “traditional” customs. 

Somehow it seems that many ancient cultures and traditions are more difficult to change.   As beautiful as the Raksha Bandhan holiday is, I see a time for change. Raksha Bandhan needs to be brought into the modern times.  In following this holiday in it’s most traditional form, it assumes that women still need being taken care of and  protected, and it places the male in the dominant role of the “protector.”  Educated women are doing puja to a brother, regardless of what age he may be.  The brother could be 10 years younger and  being raised by the older sister but on this day, he is elevated to  the position of  a “protector.”  There is a certain irony in this scenario….but it does exist.

In a country that is still working towards recognizing women as competent, powerful beings, equal to men, this holiday only perpetuates and underscores the gender inequalities in india.   Karva Chauth is another tradition that comes to mind.  Women fast from sunrise to moonrise to ensure the health, well being and long life of their husbands.  Only after seeing the moon and having done puja to their husbands do they take their first bite of food.  Again the males need a long, healthy life so they can protect and take care of the females. 

Many Indians will say that since I grew up in the US,  I do not know what I am talking about.  Understandably, the educated Indians comprehend the symbolic meaning behind these traditions; brothers and sisters need to have a strong, life-long bonds, and that  in love, sacrifice is sometimes necessary.  However, I worry about the uneducated masses in India who takes these traditions at face value and perceive females to have the  subservient, dutiful, passive roles.  From their understanding, if  it is so in the Mahabharata, then  it MUST be so in life.

I too sent a rakhi to my brother this year.  I hope he lives a long, prosperous healthy life.  However, starting next year, I am going to send a rakhi to my sister too because I wish the same good for her also.  This year I decided my sons would tie a rakhi on each other.   They are blood brothers and I want them to be there for each other in good times and in bad times.  They don’t have a sister but they have each other! They need to look after each other.   As families get smaller, sometimes oceans apart, we need to cherish the sibling we have.  Raksha Bandhan doesn’t have to be just about the brother-sister bond.  Like Father’s Day and Mother’s Day, let this day be a day to show all brothers…. and sisters too….how much we love them.  Let this be Sibling’s Day.

Raksha bandhan is a beautiful tradition.  But traditions need to change. Change is good.  Change leads to progress and equality…….